


Names and Secrets

by FanGirlAndProudOfIt



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Canonical Character Death, Gen, Major Character Injury, Panic Attacks, Stream of Consciousness, swearing in the notes, technically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-02
Updated: 2016-09-02
Packaged: 2018-08-12 16:35:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7941526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanGirlAndProudOfIt/pseuds/FanGirlAndProudOfIt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They would come for Rose, sooner or later. Or maybe they would surprise her and come for Pearl, instead. Maybe even Garnet would take the fall. None of these options were completely out of the question...</p><p>But even in her darkest moments, her deepest nightmares, the deepest pits of her subconscious thought, she had never imagined it directed at Steven.</p><p>(Also posted on FF(dot)Net under kittiekat10105.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Names and Secrets

_“-for your crimes against Homeworld, for the Rebellion, for your assassination of Pink Diamond,_ you _will be shattered!”_

Pearl had always expected to hear these words someday. She knew that even with the war over, they would not give up on finding one who shattered a Diamond. Knew that even if Homeworld tried to erase Pink Diamond from their history, the memory would linger and fester.

She had refused to think about it: pushed it to the back of her mind until it was hardly a whisper. And yet, she knew it was only a matter of time.

They would come for Rose, sooner or later. Or maybe they would surprise her and come for Pearl, instead. Maybe even Garnet would take the fall. None of these options were completely out of the question...

But even in her darkest moments, her deepest nightmares, the deepest pits of her subconscious thought, she had never imagined it directed at Steven.

She should have. He had Rose’s gem, and Homeworld would not think twice about punishing him for the sins of his mother.

But she considers it now. Now that it’s right in front of her.

She considers it now as an enraged Homeworld gem has them all beaten almost to the point of retreating into their gems, as Steven stares at this gem with wide, terrified eyes, convinced that this time, _this time_ he will not make it out.

She considers it now that this child, this wonderful, kind, _loving_ child with a heart to rival even that of his mother is about to be _killed_ for a crime he had no hand in committing.

Rose’s child for Rose’s crime. But not Rose’s... hers... hers _hers_ _HERS_....

Someone starts screaming.

And it isn’t until she’s running, until she leaps in front of the other gem’s weapon and blocks it with her sword, not until she pushes Steven as far away from this gem as she can, until she’s on her knees and sees her tears falling to the ground that she realizes those screams are hers.

And that she realizes she’s made her choice.

_“Rose didn’t shatter Pink Diamond. Rose took the fall... for ME.”_

Rose told her not to tell. To let everyone believe that it had been her. And Pearl agreed because she could never say no to Rose. No matter what, Rose did it. Pearl was there as Rose shattered Pink Diamond. Because if Homeworld had known it was Pearl, not only would they have searched for her without hesitation, but no doubt other Pearls would bear the wrath of their masters for what one Pearl did to a Diamond.

Rose told her, _ordered_ her, to keep it a secret.

And for millennia, Pearl did just that.

But now everyone knows. Steven... Amethyst... _Garnet_ .... _Steven_.

She doesn’t remember the escape. Someone grabbed her. Maybe Garnet, maybe Steven, maybe Amethyst, she doesn’t know. Her head is swimming and her vision is blurred from her tears and all she registers is that somehow she’s back at the house and she can’t move.

She hardly registers the voices around her. She can only shake and cry and say that she’s sorry she’s sorry she’s _sorry_....

The silence that follows is almost unbearable, but what follows almost makes her scream again.

_“You were telling the truth.”_

It’s Garnet. Garnet thought she was lying and only now realizes that every word of what Pearl told them is true.

And if Garnet thought she was lying, what did the other gem think? Would she assume Pearl lied to save Steven? Would she think that a mere Pearl was incapable of destroying a Diamond? Would Steven still be in danger for her crime?

And if her story is believed, will all those Pearls suffer the fate she wanted to spare them in the first place? Will countless Pearls be shattered for what she did? Pearls who hadn’t even been grown yet when Pink Diamond shattered?

She feels Steven holding her. It almost makes it worse. This boy, Rose’s boy, _her_ boy almost lost his life for what she did. She shakes more and curls into a ball and can’t stop saying she’s sorry she should have told them, Rose told her not to she’s so sorry she’s _so sorry_ …

She doesn’t know how long she’s been lying there. Doesn't notice when Garnet leads Steven away, or when Amethyst leads her to the couch and wipes her eyes, trying her best to calm her while Garnet does the same for Steven.

She would have expected Garnet to be the one calming her. But then again, Garnet must feel this betrayal down to her core. This thought brings about another round of hysteria that frightens _her_ as much as it does her companions.

There's a part of her, the part of her not drowning in guilt, shaking with fear, with shame, reeling from revealing a thousands of years old secret, knows she has to stop. She can feel her mind coming undone, feel her identity slipping away.

She has to stop or she’ll lose herself completely.

She grasps for that part of her mind. Gripping for her senses and reality.

She registers that she’s lying on the couch, under a blanket. She hasn't stopped shaking, and her tears haven't stopped. She can hear voices…

_“It’s just… she let me think Mom did it.”_

And reality crashes down and shatters like Pink Diamond’s gem did millennia ago.

Steven was in pain, the image of his mother cracked. Pearl let him think that his mother was a murderer.

But _Rose_ wasn't the murderer.

_You're not a murderer. You had to do it. You had no choice!_

Didn't she? If she shattered her, she could have poofed her.... bubbled her... captured her...

But even if she had no choice in what she did, she had a choice in who she told.

Garnet will never forgive her.

Amethyst will retreat into herself.

And Steven…. Steven will _hate_ her.

And he would have every right to.

_Stop stop stop, you’re going to lose yourself don't let yourself fall apart don't! Stop! Enough!_

She's screaming again, and she's surrounded. They're calling her name. Garnet is trying to keep her still but her base instincts kick in and she rips herself from her grip.

There’s a pain she doesn’t recognize, and her gem is the epicenter. She doesn’t know where else it hurts she just knows that it hurts it hurts it _hurts_!

Her mind is tearing itself apart in front of... who...? Someone... someone important.

Fight or flight fight or flight and if she fights she might hurt them. They’re too important to hurt so she _runs._

She doesn’t know where she’s going. She just knows it’s _Away_. From her past, her pain, her guilt, her failure.

She just runs until she can’t hear the shouts behind her.

She runs until she’s no longer being chased.

She runs until she doesn’t have a name.

**Author's Note:**

> This is obviously based on the fan theory that Pearl is the one who really shattered Pink Diamond. Do I necessarily think it's true? Not really. Do I still love the theory? Hell fucking YES. So I decided to torture my friends a bit.
> 
> I DO, however, think that there's a chance that Pearl will become corrupted at some point in the show. I actually have a bet going with a friend of mine. She thinks it'll be Amethyst. Loser buys the winner a comic. We both agree that something like that will be what kicks off a possible Find A Way to Save the Corrupted Gems arc.
> 
> Anyways, I'm just so happy that I've finally fucking written something. I've been in this writing funk for the past few months and this is the first thing that's actually managed to break through it.
> 
> Leave kudos, reviews, whatever. Hell, comment fan theories. I love discussing them. :)


End file.
